Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Do These Friends Make My Butt Look Big?

Even at the age of 12, I was never a slim and tiny kind of girl. Once, I read that a pioneer man going west wanted to marry a woman that could “pull the plow if the mule died.” I am definitely one of those kind of girls. Heck, I could probably fix the plow and invent a better model.

Visions of mules aside, I was on a mission to find the woman’s holy grail: the perfect pair of jeans. I only needed one pair that looked halfway decent to replace the three or four pairs that I am retiring to the never gonna happen pile. That new exercise plan? That new diet? Never gonna happen.

In a cute, little boutique, where the saleswomen treat you like a long, lost girlfriend, I admitted that I needed professional retail advice...er... help. It was kind of like an episode of Friends, but these gals rallying around me in my moment of low self-esteem weren’t really my friends, were they? They seemed more like slim, fun loving vultures.

Together, we inspected my butt and muffin top from every angle in at least 20 pairs of jeans. I’m pretty sure that this is the most staring my butt has ever experienced. The best, most comfy jeans were on sale, but, made me look 10 pounds heavier—according to the serious looks and the sad, downcast eyes of the sales-friends. They even pulled a mom guilt quote, "They don't look the best, but if you really don't mind the bagging and sagging in the butt..."

This is when one my newest friends said “You need Yummie Tummies!” She disappeared at high speed, bounding into the back room. She came back breathless and excited as she handed me a spandex tank top. She must of misunderstood my mission. What I really needed was to buy a pair of pants that don’t come with a girdle as an accessory.

My friend assured me that every woman in low rise jeans gets a muffin top and that is why Yummie Tummies are the lastest, greatest invention. So great, that she only had one left and it was size small. I am no size small, if I have to remind you, especially not on top.

Closing the curtain on my new friends, I emerged with visa in hand to buy a pair of jeans that made my “figure look terrific.” I managed to spend a catrillion dollars—yes, I squeezed into the size small girdle and bought it—only to find at home that these new jeans were the same brand and size I had on my discard pile! I had made the same jean mistake twice!

At that moment, I wondered if I should have gone jean shopping with some of my REAL friends. I did forget to say, though, that it was REAL friends that sent my on my quest in the first place. If they would just stop exercising and start eating sugar and bread again, I’d be able to relax a little more and enjoy my muffin top.


Terri said...

I feel your pain my dear!!! I have not had on a pair of jeans in years! I would love to wear them again! About calling your mom to find out it was her bday....at first I called my daddy to find out his bday was the next day!!! The busy life of a Mom!!! Have a great day!

Mozer said...

LOL! I can totally relate! Love your description of your shopping trip.

TwoPrettyLittleSkirts said...

Go get your award over at my blog!

ps. I hear ya on the muffin top subject...after 3 kiddos, I fear there is no way to rid myself of the monster in on my belly :(


~Jamie said...

UUGGGHHHH! I have a family reunion coming up in 27 days. Both SILs have been dieting for MONTHS. I have been *thinking* about dieting as I eat my nightly treat. What is the recoup time of lipo??

BlogBaby said...

Back when I was a pathetic size 00 (yup, I really was!) I thought I could NEVER be a mom with a muffin top. Only two kids and 5 years later I'm up 8 jean sizes and will never again know a muffin free existence.

Thus I avoid all sales people who remind me of the old skinny me. I recommend you give the retail gals a shake off next time (start talking about your children, it usually scares them off) and take as many hours as you need to to locate the perfect jean for YOU. :)

Good luck on your quest!

BlogBaby's BabyMama

Helene said...

Your experience reminds me of why I don't go shopping for jeans often! Once I find a pair that are comfortable and fit me well, I'll wear them to the absolute death...they literally have to be ripped in every single seam for me to part with them.

I laughed when reading the title to this post because a long time ago, when my husband and I were dating, I put on a new pair of pants and I said, "do these make my butt look big?" and he said, all seriously, "I don't think it's the PANTS that make your butt look big". Yeah...and I still married him. What's wrong with me?

San Diego Writer Girl said...

Love it! Every woman can relate to this. I can't take those skinny-vulture-sales"friends". I shoo them away. I don't want their line of bull. I can stand in the 3-way mirror and get depressed all by myself, thank you. Thanks for the laugh!

Under the Influence said...

What I don't get is if EVERY pair of low rise jeans causes muffin top, no matter your size, why do we keep wearing them instead of demanding a better fitting jean?????? I want to know who to call to get that taken care of!

Jennifer said...

LOL! Here, here! I wouldn't feel half as bad about my body if everyone would just calm down and EAT SOMETHING ALREADY!

I feel your Perfect-Jeans-Search pain. It's like the Fountain of Youth. Does it even exist?!

Amy and her little family said...

Thank you for the follow!!


Rae Ann said...

Shopping for jeans is brutal! I have given up and wear "mom jeans" from Wal-Mart. Sigh. The fact that I am currently shaped like I am 5 months preggers (and in fact, am not) doesn't help a bit!

Deb said...

@Terri: I keep trying to squeeze myself into them, let's see who wins. Someday it will be the denim :)

@Mozer: Glad to give you a smile, thanks!

@TwoPrettyLittleSkirts: Thanks for the award! Speaking of awards, maybe instead of Muffin Top it can be a Mom Top award?

@Jamie: Who are these people that can effectively pre-diet? When I try to do that I just end up stressing out and eating more!

@Blog Baby's BabyMama: Ahhhh, the muffin free existence. It would be a sad world without muffins, though, wouldn't it? Thanks for your advice, I'm gonna try to give those gals the shake and continue my quest!

@Helene: Sometimes guys are programmed to say the wrong thing. That's why we need our girlfriends. I'm with you, keep those jeans until they fall off...I've seen the boutique offerings and it ain't pretty.

@SanDiegoWriterGirl: I could certainly live without the 3 way mirror. I might be a happier girl if I only saw myself from the front :)

@Under the Influence: If I find out who to call, I'll let you know right away. We need to stand together on this!

@Jennifer: I know it! Please, have some chips with me. Cupcakes, later, too. I feel guilty saying how much I life food, but why should I feel bad about that? I seriously have friends that don't eat sugar, at all. What is that all about???

@Amy and her little family: You're welcome. Thanks for the follow, too.

@Rae Ann: The best jeans I have are from about 8 years ago bought at Target. If the jeans fit...

Yeah, if someone told me I'd look five months pregnant for the rest of my life, at least I'd be prepared for that reality!

BrnEyedGal said...

Oh you poor thing...
Take it from someone who worked at the gap millions of years ago, LOL...NEVER trust a sales person to tell you what looks good!

Are you taking the 2nd pair back now?
BTW...your description of this event had me falling off my chair, good stuff! :)

Sharon said...

A catrillion dollars! I LOVE IT!

Love the name of your blog. I've got two and thinking about a third. Maybe I'd better read your blog from start to finish before we make any decisions!

Deb said...

@BrnEyedGal: I wondered about the advice from the sales people...I guess my faith in good, human character is devastated! I am taking that second pair back and using my boutique store credit for some kind of accessory that is far from my backside. Distract the attention, right? :)

@Sharon: Thanks, Sharon. I do recommend the third kid if you are thinking about it--I feel so blessed to know all of my children :) They make me crazy, but I'm having fun!

Nori D said...

Hi! I have an award for you at my place http://thiscasuallife.blogspot.com/2009/05/one-lovely-blog-award.html

Congrats, you have a great blog.