Learn from your elders, kids. You may think that we're old and slow and need bright light to read, and yes, this is all true, but we are the literal beings of been there, done that. Learn from our stupidity and our smartitiude, I beg you.
O-k, John, you are smirking at the word, "smartitude," and I tell you that grown ups can be smart. Now you be smart, and read and learn...
I'll start this off with a letter:
I'm sorry that I never e-mailed you. You were kind enough to find a pen and a spare napkin and write your name, phone number and address down for me. However, the next day, my friends told me that they feared for my life when I was chatting with you.
My friends even went so far as to think that maybe you were an ex-con. They thought you and your husband had plans to take me back to your apartment over the bar and lock me in your closet for the rest of my life--however long or short you determined it to be.
This thought was more than a little terrifying.
The truth is, I don't know you. I don't know where you've been, I don't know where you're going. I don't know where you live. I don't know if you're nice or if you're crazy. I don't know if you're a cat person or a dog person or an iguana person.
It's more than truth, it's fact. I don't know you. Therefore, I thought it best not to e-mail you. On Sunday, I realized that we just didn't have that much in common and you probably weren't my new best friend, even though you told me that you were...over and over again.
You were very friendly, and I enjoyed chatting with you, but I think that's as far as it can go. I am 41, and I know I'm being a little narrow-minded, but I just don't think we have much of a chance at true friendship.
Thanks very much,
Although sometimes it's good to take chances in life, it is much better to take them in the daylight in public places than post midnight in a drinking establishment.
No matter how "nice" someone appears in the dim light in the wee hours of the morning, trust me, you will be thinking much clearer if you wait to meet them in daylight. Caffeine might even be helpful.
The next day, you might not even want to meet that person anymore. It's nice to make new friends, but use caution and trust your old friends. Think situations through, keep your head on your shoulders, and remember trusting that there is good in everyone and friendliness runs in the family.
My friends were a little paranoid, but a little paranoia can be a good thing. Trust me, I'm not in Dee's closet right now.