Two Beers and a Hot Tub?

Here was tonight's dinner conversation while eating with a good friend:

Me: John (age 12, in Little League) is having trouble with his back.

Birk (age 7): His coach told mommy to have him go home and have two beers and a hot tub.

Good Friend: What?!? What did your mommy say?

Birk: Mommy told the coach that she told John he could have a hot bath and a margarita.

John: Yeah, and the coach said that margaritas don't work because kids don't usually like them.

Oh, boy.

Little Pitchers and Big Ears: Selective Hearing

Why is it that I can ask my kids 20 times if they've done their homework and get no response?

I can say one thing about a wacky relative in a whisper voice on the phone and EVERY TIME they will crank their neck around with whiplash speed and ask me why I said that?

Selective hearing.

It works the same way with my husband. He swore up and down on Thanksgiving that I never asked him to do X, Y or Z. I am 100 percent sure that I did.

It's kind of like a "If a tree falls in the woods..." situation. If you ask a question, and no one hears it, or acknowledges it, did you really ask?"

Amazed at the frequency of use, this week I started experimenting with the phenomenon. To my surprise, selective hearing is actually an addicting habit. Now, I find myself using that technique with my whole family.

Here's how in 4 easy steps:

1. Say you are working at the computer. Stare straight ahead at the screen. If the request is one that just doesn't interest you, keep staring straight ahead.
2. On the second request, keep typing and staring.
3. On the third request, move to the kitchen and begin slicing carrots (keep the knife in hand, most grown ups approach you with extreme caution when you are brandishing a knife).
4. If the inquirer is persistent or crying, you can finally say with a smile, "What did you say, dear?"

Of course, if you really have no interest in the tasks, tears or screaming, just continue along in you blissful blank state until the inquirer walks away.

This technique also builds the useful skill of people not realizing that you are really listening and spying on their conversations. This is quite good, especially with teens.

What Your Kid Might Be Saying At School...

I picked up Birk after school and took her corrected work out of her cubby. I quickly scanned her first grade papers.

There was a cute exercise that was folded like a greeting card that said, "I like the taste of..." Then your child put in what they liked. Birk of course put her favorite, ice cream. I smiled to myself.



However, my smile turned to horror when I turned the page:

Birk's Buying Us A Ski House In Tahoe

Birk had such a fantastic time skiing in Tahoe with her daddy, that she wants to quit regular school, and go to ski school full time.  She realizes that this requires a house in Tahoe.

She first asked daddy to buy her a ski house.  He said,  "Get good grades in school, get a really good job and you can buy a ski house."

Later, our savvy seven year old called us to the computer, very excited. Unbeknownst to us, she had googled Squaw Ski House.  She chose a very excellent and beautiful ski chalet for the nifty price of $1,200,000.00.

Birk was quiet for a long time after dinner.  She asked me how to scan a picture that she had drawn.  A few minutes later, she handed me a stack of papers advertising dogwalking...for $18.00.  She put on her shoes and was ready to go post her flyers around the neighborhood.

Then she asked me, almost jumping up and down with merriment, how many dogs she would have to walk at $18.00 to afford her dream home.

You've got to love kids.

John informed her that it would take approximately 66, 667 dogs. 

You've really got to love kids.

A Nice, Cool Frosty One At Pippi's

My youngest, Birk, kept asking me to go out to dinner at Pippi's. Dumbfounded, I asked around about a new restaurant named, "Pippi's." 

No one seemed to have heard of this fabulous, new restaurant, but they all wanted me to let them know where it was when I found it.

Months later, driving down the highway on vacation in Michigan, Birk shrieked, "Mom, there it is.  There's Pippi's."  

I looked out the car window and there was Pippi, braids and all above the word "Wendy's."

What Are My Kids Learning At School?

My first grader, Birk, was in her booster.  I was driving the good old mini van and we were heading home from school

.

"Mommy, do you know about abortions?"

Whoosh, almost hit a tree.  I had to focus my eyes back on my little baby cupcake and try to figure out where all of this was coming from.

Luckily, Ruth piped in with just the right big sister question.  "Do you know what that means, Birk?"

I was holding my breath and trying not to take out any inanimate objects, or animate ones for that matter.

"It's when a mommy and daddy fight a lot and they don't want to live together anymore.  Then they get an abortion and they can marry someone else."

I finally found my voice again, "That's enough.  We will discuss this all later."  Luckily we were home and it was time to jump out of the car and have dinner.  Hope later is far off in my future.